God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
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I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]