The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
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Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Introverted vegans go meetless
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.