God: I need an Ark built.

*Jesus lowers sunglasses*

Jesus: I Noah guy.

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I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are


oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog


First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote “like an onion”. Can you clarify?


if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute


Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”


Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.


I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”


Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me


Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.