God: I need an Ark built.

*Jesus lowers sunglasses*

Jesus: I Noah guy.

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Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*


I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.


When I take pictures of cheese I yell “SAY HUMANS!” and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.


This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet


Buy living room furniture that matches your petโ€™s hair because, work smarter not harder.


[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.


Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician


This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.


I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.


i hate this pandemic if i wanted to waste my early 20s i would have gotten married