@transvagmesh

God: I need an Ark built.

*Jesus lowers sunglasses*

Jesus: I Noah guy.

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@Browtweaten

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

@sad_tree

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

@caperbc75

First off I want to commend you for taking part in credit counselling. Now, under assets you wrote “like an onion”. Can you clarify?

@psyzod

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

@tastefactory

Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”

@simoncholland

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

@MaraWilson

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

@iamspacegirl

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

@Be___Dope

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.