God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
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“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Lol
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I have never heard an armadillo before.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.