cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
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[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
What a year we’ve had this week.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth