@Coolisiana

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

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@rmayemsinger

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

@golubeerji

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

@riesypiecey

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

@JediGigi

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

@iamspacegirl

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

@stevevsninjas

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

@dom_selleck

Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.

Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.

@CrisMtzgr

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

@kumailn

Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I’ve ever read. Until the next text from my mom.

@OctopusCaveman

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.