Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I’ve ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.