GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
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Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Would you wear it?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.