@House_Feminist

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

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@68Cly29

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

@UnfilteredMama

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

@SCbchbum

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

@TheTweetOfGod

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

@Darlainky

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

@GayDeceiver

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

@tuckerflodman

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*