god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

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The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.


It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**


If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”


When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.


I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.


Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.


*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*