god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
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If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals