GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

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*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.


[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?


4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.


Me: *sprints to the toaster*


So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?


Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?


Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat


I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.