GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
No regrets in 2018
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too