GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

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VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine


BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers


“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.


I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.


GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-


I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.


A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.


“Is your refrigerator running?”

“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”


I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.


To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now