*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*
Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
MOSES: ok so what is it
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“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.