god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
You Might Also Like
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
smartest karate player in the world
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*