@TheAlexNevil
*eats only grass-fed donuts
@yonewt
God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.
You Might Also Like
@TheAlexNevil
@AmishPornStar1
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
@Marlebean
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
@BillEvenson
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
@SciencePorn
Saw this cutie pie on the side of the highway this morning
@natedog2049
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
@radtoria
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
@Jandalize
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
@amydillon
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
@awkwardphilippe
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*