God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.

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“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall


Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.


Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home


I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.


“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip