*eats only grass-fed donuts
God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.
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*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Saw this cutie pie on the side of the highway this morning
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*