@yonewt

God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.

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@ScubavelliDeux

*finally convinces self to date again as there are plenty of fish in the sea*

Fish: I have a koi friend.

@thepunningman

[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

@neiltyson

If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.

@PhilJamesson

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

@FinnMcIver

I really hate it when people repeat something twice when making a point. don’t do that guys, don’t do that.

@TheAlexNevil

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

@HockeyTornado

Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.

@_chismosa_

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

@IndecisiveJones

moses: 9 commandments, goddamn that’s a lot of rules

god: OH NO YOU DIDN’T

@ShanaRose21

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.