Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
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The struggle is real.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back