God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Cake safety first. Always.
me doing my best
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!