God: i’m sorry the answers no.
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
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My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
My husband asks too many questions. “Who is Steve?” “Why does he call all the time?” “What’s this bill for a hotel room?”
The safest place to stand when I hit a golf ball, is directly in front of me..
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend