God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
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what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
how to have an accident 101
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.