God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

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*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.


“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat


Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.


Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?

Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!

Therapist: No.


COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.


I hate it when crazy people say Poseidon told them they are the ninja turtles and I don’t even remember I told them so.


If vampires like the taste of blood so much they should floss.


Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither