If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
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Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob
Me: If we’re naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I’m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.