@LuckoftheDraw86

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

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@TheRealRobG

If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….

(sarcasm)

@thestlouisan

[Delivery room]

Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob

Me: If we’re naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!

@CornOnTheGoblin

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

@UnFitz

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

@surrealvehicle

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

@Xoolun

Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I’m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.

@AmishPornStar1

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

@samalmightysam

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.