The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
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Cop: (cuffs the dog)
Detective: what the hell are you doing?
Cop: Sir, I think we’re dealing with a shapeshifter
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it’s Barney.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
*bursts into church*
DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN
Undertaker: “This is a funeral”
OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.