@LuckoftheDraw86

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

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@iamMunga

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

@PoliUncorrect

*Crime Scene

Cop: (cuffs the dog)

Detective: what the hell are you doing?

Cop: Sir, I think we’re dealing with a shapeshifter

@lloydrang

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

@DaddyJew

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

@fro_vo

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

@jennalynn518

Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it’s Barney.

@TheRolo

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

@RoosterMustache

*bursts into church*

DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN

Undertaker: “This is a funeral”

OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER

@fletchworld73

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

@TheJollygunner

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.