God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
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a lot to unpack here
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.