God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
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Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy