Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.