[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
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Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
She was rare, like a goth jogging
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward