[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

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Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again


Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.


I stopped using a CONDOM after NIVEA started offering 48 Hours protection

Why protect myself Twice?😕😒


Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?


Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*


Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.


Today’s tea:

) ) )
) ( ) )
_(___(____)____(___(__ _
if white people /
invaded half of / __
the world for / |
spices, why do /——
they not use it /