“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
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Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.