god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
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If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.