Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Baller is short for ballerina
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
gm
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
accurate
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Sounds like a bargain
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.