[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
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Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My birth announcement for our third baby
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved