@CAshmanActor

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

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@JamieGreenlees

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

@JayCee302

The asian girl I’m playing chess against is really hot, you might say she’s worth a…

*puts on sunglasses*

“Second rook”

@BrassBallsCJ

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

@sarah1mc

Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.

@3sunzzz

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

@Ivsy01

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

@chopper4jk

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.