@CAshmanActor

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

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@yoyoha

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

@mattkoff

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

@theabstractass

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

@frogpissmouth

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

@AimeeHelene1

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

@pizza_dragon

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

@JB4Realz

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

@occupied_stall

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.