“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
god: it also makes quiche
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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Which US state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.