[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

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I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying


Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*


The asian girl I’m playing chess against is really hot, you might say she’s worth a…

*puts on sunglasses*

“Second rook”


All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.


Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.


If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.


When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.


Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.