Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bacon_gillepic

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

@JamieGreenlees

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

@shita3yosays

My husband has a sore throat…send an ambulance

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

@JayCee302

The asian girl I’m playing chess against is really hot, you might say she’s worth a…

*puts on sunglasses*

“Second rook”

@BrassBallsCJ

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

@sarah1mc

Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.

@3sunzzz

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

@Ivsy01

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

@chopper4jk

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.