Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.