I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Squirrels before girls.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw