Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
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When the police asked me where I was between 4 and 5, apparently “Kindergarten” wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated