[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

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most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english


Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?


HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer


how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26


*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”


Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.


“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.


Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.


“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”


At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.