[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
You Might Also Like
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.