@ArfMeasures

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

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@rachelle_mandik

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

@Gupton68

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

@amanda_poops

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

@SaddestFinger

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

@DanMentos

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

@Furry_Beaver

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

@CMHorrocks

“There is no ‘I’ in team!” Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam.

@michaelshermer

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

@david8hughes

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

@Tmoney68

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.