God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
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I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Hey I worked for it too!
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.