[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
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My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.