God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
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I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
What a chick magnet..
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.