God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
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Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
My first son he is wonderful
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.