@TigNotaro

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

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@clichedout

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

@rockymomax

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

@HallpassCanada

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

@SassyChantelle

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

@nerdjpg

It’s 2007. You’re working on a PowerPoint for school. It’s about ancient Egypt. You select the Papyrus font.

“Yes, Perfect”

@Thedudish

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

@WigCannon

“Can I see your ID?”
Sure, it’s…
*lowers sunglasses*
*raises them*
*lowers them again*
“What are you doing?”
I don’t know.

@Procaffinator

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.