{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
This was the best day of my life
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.