{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.