“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
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Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”