Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball

what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

*jazz hands*

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?