I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
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Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.