[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
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is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.