@aveuaskew
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
@NoTheOtherJohn
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
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@aveuaskew
@_coryrichardson
doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion
me: is it contagious
doctor: is what contagious. where am i
@doggiedogthedog
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
@mommajessiec
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
@tchrquotes
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
@CoopFogg
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
@KeetPotato
[restaurant]
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”
@Ah_kee_oh
No I don’t hate my boss. It’s just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.
@squirrel74wkgn
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
@bourgeoisalien
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.