God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

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wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m: [sweating profusely]


If you receive an e-mail that says: ”FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS” Don’t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.


If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.


The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”


mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon


Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.


i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers


Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.


Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert


before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything