God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
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Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
lmfao come on
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve