@lil_unsteady

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

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@GrantTanaka

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

@samalmightysam

If you receive an e-mail that says: ”FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS” Don’t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.

@primawesome

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

@fuzzypantaloons

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

@punished_picnic

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

@kristiffy

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

@electrolemon

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

@L8yK8y

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

@KimmyMonte

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

@Stellar_AF

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything