それは草
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Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
The game has officially changed 😎
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah