GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
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*skinny dips into black hole
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese