@PaperWash

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

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@Cheeseboy22

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

@Jake_Vig

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

@Kamikaze_Blonde

I always imagined saving the planet would involve a silver jumpsuit and a sidekick robot, not separating glass and paper.

@TravLeBlanc

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

@fro_vo

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

@kumailn

“Forget our mess. I’ll go into the beauty of the natural world.”
*Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby*
“I’ll go back to the news.”

@robin_991

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

@fro_vo

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct