@PaperWash

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

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@Cage_unlocked

5 steps to a happy marriage:

1. Doritos
2. Oreos
3. Pez
4. Mr. Noodles
5. Oops this is my grocery list.
6. Still applicable.

@blahdevivre

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

@matt_obrien

Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name “fire place”

@weirdralph

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

@ericsshadow

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

@WilliamAder

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

@AndrewNadeau0

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

@Jamberee13

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

@KevinBuffalo

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”