God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
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The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
When I said I liked it rough.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes