GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
How is it still this week?