@Hormonella

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

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@Chumpstring

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

@BDGarp

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

@CynicalCanuck

Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B

@ArfMeasures

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

@HeyZeus666

I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.

@perfect_messs

[during sex]
Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.

@MelvinofYork

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

@Heldinchains

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

@dlockw21

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.