God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

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In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.


If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.


Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B


[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though


I got mugged in college by a gang of Asians. Two of them held me down and a third corrected my math homework before fleeing into the night.


[during sex]
Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.


Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.


You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.


I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.