God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
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To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Husband of the year 😂
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.