God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
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My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Lmao 🤣
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
These are my roll models.