god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
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Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.