god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
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When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.