I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
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WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
welp
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.