God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
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If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.