i need a hug(e amount of cash money)
God: make alcohol really fun
Angel: haha ok
God: but it makes them stupid
Angel: i dont know if-
God: and if they have too much they die
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wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Ah ? ha ? ha ? ha ? stayin’ alive, stayin alive ? ? ? ?.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
50% avoiding getting up to pee
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series