@RoosterMustache

God: make alcohol really fun

Angel: haha ok

God: but it makes them stupid

Angel: i dont know if-

God: and if they have too much they die

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@GrantTanaka

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

@bingowings14

Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.

@notacroc

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

@DothTheDoth

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

@RickAaron

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

@pattymo

AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series