Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
GOD: Make humans super super awake when it’s time to go to bed, and super super tired when it’s time to wake up.
GOD’S ASSISTANT: Did you… Did you mean that the other way around?
GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.
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Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
“I’m a hoarse whisperer…”
I think i just found this ice cream cone’s g-spot
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…