@thenatewolf

GOD: Make humans super super awake when it’s time to go to bed, and super super tired when it’s time to wake up.

GOD’S ASSISTANT: Did you… Did you mean that the other way around?

GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.

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@summermaplewood

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

@Shade510

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

@SteveSuckington

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

@SteveSuckington

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

@captainkalvis

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

@stephenjmolloy

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…