[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
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Try and stop me.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”