[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
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Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET